Saturday, January 9, 2010

Dial Tone

I can’t sleep. I’ve been laying in bed for an hour, feeling my heart roll around, thumping and buzzing in my chest painfully. It’s my cardiac arrhythmia. Benign in my case, but something we suspect to have been another parting gift from Mia. It feels like a jack hammer. I hate it.

I’m so sorry it’s been over a week since I posted.

Last week I dreamt was standing on the seashore on a cold day, feeding bits of my soul to the seagulls. They kept coming back for more. It really stuck with me. It’s one of the reasons I haven’t been on. I think I’ve had some internal conflict about how to proceed with this blog. While I feel strongly that I need to be here – that there’s a missing voice on these blogs – I can’t deny that it introduces an element of danger for me. And I also can’t pretend not to be affected by some of the more negative comments I’m getting. This whole thing really makes me quite vulnerable.

So the question remains – what to do.

This has been a hard week. There’s so much I want to tell you about what’s going on (both with me and with Kat.) But I can barely bring myself to write. It’s all I can do to get up in the morning and get my work done. I can’t focus. Yeah, I’ll admit it, I’m a bit depressed. But by now I know that tomorrow, or maybe the next day, things will be better. I’ve learned a lot about coping, and living life after Ana and Mia. Sometimes you drag your feet. Sometimes you fall on your face. But I cannot – will not – let it take everything from me again. Because other days, I fly.

The way I see it right now, I’m in a battle. We all are. It’s a battle with ourselves. It’s a battle over what we want versus what we want. (Yes.) It’s a battle about success and failure… and their definitions. It’s a battle about life and death, and a question of how much we want either of those. Unfortunately, we are not the only casualties. Our friends. Our families. It’s a war out there. I’ve got some pretty impressive scars. But I’m here now to fight.

Forgive me, if I need a few days between posts from time to time to recover. I think if I’m going to keep this up, I need to give myself some safety nets. Some additional accountability or support. I know myself too well and have fallen too many times. If I’m going to keep this up, I want to make sure I can do it without backsliding myself. I hope you can understand. But I’m not going anywhere. I told you I love you, and I meant it. And I do battle for people I love.

Oh PS - I accidentally stumbled across a few so called recovery blogs that really freaked me out! It’s amazing how some people can misunderstand and be so judgmental of eating disorders. It’s not some switch you can just turn on and off at will! If you’ve ever gotten to a point where you wanted to or tried to stop, you know what I mean. (But I promise, when you are ready for it, there is a really good life on the other side of this. It just takes a lot of blood, sweat and tears to get there.)

The victories in my life may seem small and insignificant to people who have not experienced an eating disorder. But you know, I think I’m a much stronger person than they’ll ever know for having accomplished something as simple as disobeying ana and mia again this whole, particularly trying week. But man, am I exhausted from battle.

I think I need to try to sleep now.
I hope you are sleeping ok tonight.


PS - *winces/laughs a little* Please be nice – I’m feeling a bit fragile. J G’night.

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  1. i have the same problem..and i also can't sleep

    So the question remains – what to do?

    and the answer is.. sleep

    A strong hug from Mexico

  2. *Hugs* Ignore the snarky bastards. They just aren't worth it. Or set me on them. *hefts cricket bat*

    I hope you and Kat are doing ok, I'm worried about both of you <3

  3. *hugs*
    please be safe.
    if this blogging is hurting you in any way, please stop. you need to take care of yourself first.

    love katie

  4. *HUGS!!! <3* you don't have to do this for us, but it's nice that you are. So thanks.

  5. It will work out Kate... recovery isn't something you do once. You do it every day, again and again. And we are all here supporting you.
    Ignore the comments. I know myself and a few other people have been getting really horrible anonymous comments... but my blog is for ME to tell MY story, not for some anonymous reader to tell me the way its supposed to be.

    Please take care of yourself..

  6. Something in me click on friday night. I want to recover. Ive had these clicks many times and have always relapsed. So i am trying.

  7. You are such an inspiration!
    Don't let what others say to you influence what you know is to be right.
    Keep going, and stay strong

  8. Wow, you give me strength and courage when you talk about recovery and that a life worth living is possible. I know what you mean about the conflicting thoughts/battling with ourselves too. You have much wisdom to share with all of us.


  9. Though I think it completely unnecessary for people to leave you rude comments, and if I've learned one thing since discovering this blog community it's that recovery is encouraged and admired, but you must have expected some hostility. This went from being a popular pro-ana to pro-recovery blog. Those that are rude simply feel as though you've somewhat invaded -their- safety nets. =/
    But as the comments above say, look after yourself, first. We're a tight group, on here. :3

  10. Thanks Leech. Yeah, I most certainly did expect push back, but I admit that I didn't expect it to affect me quite so much. :) As I told someone recently, I know how much I needed hope back when Ana was my best friend. All of this is worth it if I can give an ounce of hope to anyone.

  11. Hi Kate,

    Stay strong, I know you can do it. Would you be able to talk to us about Kat? I'm dying to know how she is doing.

    Sending hope and strength to both of you!

  12. Am I the only one who thinks the exact same person who was writing as Kat is now writing as Kate. I'm not against it. I just see it for what it is. Kat is a writer who exaggerates, interprets, and changes small parts of real life in order to create a blog for expression. I think that Kat is now in recovery and so for creative/expressive purposes has chosen to write from a different character. I'm all for it. I just wonder if anyone else realizes it.

  13. That's interesting. A few people seemed to think the same way you do, especially since they saw similarities between Kat's writing style and mine. While I can sit here and tell you the truth - that we are, in fact, completely separate, real life individuals - I don't necessarily expect you to believe that. (Nor am I sure it really matters from a readership perspective.) I feel it is worth mentioning though, that any similarities in our writings styles could easily be attributed to the fact that our mother was an English major who homeschooled both of us during critical phases of our English composition years. But that's okay. It's just interesting. I've never been this personal before publicly, so it's kind of interesting to hear your reaction. :)

  14. I totally agree about the similar writing styles lol

  15. I just discovered this blog, and I keep checking it for updates all the time! I love how you write, and how you tell your story. Thanks for being so honest. I'll keep reading this blog for sure.

  16. I guess I understand you more than I can tell. I'm tired of battling against myself, but at the same time, I can't give up, or better saying, I don't want to.
    Anyways, now your blog is on my "must read" list.

  17. Hi!
    I love your blog!
    You are lucky though, you get really nice comments.
    I get all sorts of hate stuff un mine...
    Stay in touch and stay strong

    Love from Lisa

  18. Excuse me my name is Miki, I'm a writer for a student magazine. I read your blog and love it! I was wondering if I could interview you for an upcomming article I'm doing?