Thursday, April 29, 2010

Project Crazy - 9 Days Left

It dawned on me, as I sweated and twirled and flipped in the pole studio until 10pm last night, that I might not get one of my best tricks down pat before the show next Friday. Ugh.

At a pivotal moment in the song (I am doing "Monster" by Lady Gaga), I do this awesome spinny climb, then a backwards layout, and then I drop back, upside down, holding on to the pole with nothing but the tops of my feet and my shins. (I know, it sounds impossible, but trust me, my body acts like a counter weight and it works - it's pretty flippin' cool when done gracefully.) At that point, I slide down the pole (upside down) into a handstand and kick down. Mind you, I am supposed to do all of this in my 6.5" stilettos.

Last night I lost my steam spiraling up the pole and didn't even make it to the drop back. Twice. I'm not sure what happened, but I can only assume it's because i'm feeling so physically worn out from all of the training. As I drove home, I was sorting out a lot of awful emotions - envisioning myself failing to climb the pole and imagining judgmental onlookers thinking that it was because I was too heavy. It's ridiculous, of course, but Ana still takes every opportunity to put those thoughts in my mind...

I've always been a bit of a perfectionist, which Ana has always told me coordinates with her outfits perfectly. A trim of perfection - to be the best - to strike awe into others...

The thought of not being perfect - of not being the best - made me falter for a moment and wonder if I should back out of the performance. I had plenty of excuses I could give - what with my back strain and my injured knee...

But no. I remembered that this is exactly what Ana does to me. She keeps me from living. She keeps me from doing amazing things - good things that I want to do. She tells me that if I'm not perfect, it's not worth doing...I'm not worth being. But it's not true. I'm doing this for me, and I'm doing it for you. And I would never do it if I left it up to Ana.

I'm doing this for the little girls inside of us who skipped fun outings with our friends at the pool on days that we felt fat or weren't comfortable in our own, beautiful skin. This body is my home, and not my enemy. Perfection is my enemy. And if I don't get my drop back, then I don't get it. But I'm not going to let Ana's perfectionistic mirages take this night away from me.

Cheers - 9 days to go!


Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Project Crazy

I've thought of you every day, but my own necessity kept me away - I needed some time, like earlier this year, to recuperate. I read your blogs, and I can't not cry. You feel trapped in your words and say things like "it's been hard" or talk about how exhausted, angry, hurt you are by what is happening to you... but the words don't really do it justice, do they? They just look like complaints on the page, as if you were writing about something trivial that happened on a bad day at school. But it's so much more than that and the pain runs too deep, too complex, and too confused. I know. It's hard being here again, on these blogs, and it can be a bit emotionally exhausting for me because I can't numb myself to your pain. I know it too well. Wouldn't things be easier if we were all numb! But, I suppose, on the flipside, if we were numb, we would miss all of the beauty.

But I did want to tell you about my project crazy:

I'm going to be performing, in two weeks, in a pole dancing show. I've been training for a year - and my tricks are pretty darn cool. But I never thought I'd be able to get up on stage and do something like this. But my body is strong, and I've been enjoying learning what I can do with my body instead of to my body. I've only cried a few times. :) I'm scared! But I want to do this. I'm ready for this. So, think of me next Friday. I'll be in booty shorts and stilettos, and I'll be thinking of each of you - praying that one day your mind will be able to accept how beautiful you truly are, rather than how beautiful you will be one illusive day.