I've thought of you every day, but my own necessity kept me away - I needed some time, like earlier this year, to recuperate. I read your blogs, and I can't not cry. You feel trapped in your words and say things like "it's been hard" or talk about how exhausted, angry, hurt you are by what is happening to you... but the words don't really do it justice, do they? They just look like complaints on the page, as if you were writing about something trivial that happened on a bad day at school. But it's so much more than that and the pain runs too deep, too complex, and too confused. I know. It's hard being here again, on these blogs, and it can be a bit emotionally exhausting for me because I can't numb myself to your pain. I know it too well. Wouldn't things be easier if we were all numb! But, I suppose, on the flipside, if we were numb, we would miss all of the beauty.
But I did want to tell you about my project crazy:
I'm going to be performing, in two weeks, in a pole dancing show. I've been training for a year - and my tricks are pretty darn cool. But I never thought I'd be able to get up on stage and do something like this. But my body is strong, and I've been enjoying learning what I can do with my body instead of to my body. I've only cried a few times. :) I'm scared! But I want to do this. I'm ready for this. So, think of me next Friday. I'll be in booty shorts and stilettos, and I'll be thinking of each of you - praying that one day your mind will be able to accept how beautiful you truly are, rather than how beautiful you will be one day...one illusive day.