Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The Big Lie

[Eavesdropping on a typical conversation between Ana and I, years ago]:

Me: “Ana, I’m sick of this. I just want to be happy. Sometimes I just wish I could eat and be normal.”

Ana: “By normal do you mean fat? You can’t be happy if you let yourself get fat. You’ve tried eating. You always come back.”

Me: “I know… but lots of people have normal and even large bodies, and somehow manage to be happy. Isn’t that possible?”

Ana: “Do you think you could be?”

Me: “No. I guess I never will.”

Ana. “See. Stick with me and you’ll be thin.”

Me: [Sobbing] “Maybe I should go into therapy or get some help.”

Ana: “You’re not skinny enough yet. You’re not at your goal weight. You're not sick enough until you lose a few more pounds. You can’t go into therapy looking fat.”

Me: “You’re right. I’m too fat for help.”

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  1. I feel like that a lot, its always going to be a few more punds right? I don't know, I'm not ready yet.

  2. Agreed. Sometimes when I think I want help, I go, "there's not way they'll help me, because I'm not thin/sick enough". The sad part is so far my experience has proved this thought process correct....

  3. Really? Did you get a bad therapist? That is so unfortunate. This post is i think the worst lie that our ED tells us. That we are failing at failing... that we don't deserve help because we haven't earned it by being sick enough.

  4. I definitely experience this every day, as a plus-size woman who has suffered with ED for a decade now. (I just realized it's been 10 years. Fuck) Anyways, even my "fellow" sufferers persecute and reject me because I am fat. Not that I only THINK myself overweight, but I am indeed fat. But because of that, I refuse to seek help.

  5. The same thoughs in my head... Still LOVE Ana.. Can't live without her!

  6. "You're not sick enough until you lose a few more pounds." Too true. : (

  7. “I know… but lots of people have normal and even large bodies, and somehow manage to be happy. Isn’t that possible?”

    I have thought this exact same thing. And wished I could be a fat, happy person.

    I also wonder how I can look at bigger people, think they look okay, but still starve myself to try to get skinnier.

    I see the illogical stuff here, but can;t seem to change the thoughts.

  8. Sometimes i wish to be normal, but more often, i love the way i am... Is that odd?

  9. oh get a grip ladies

    mistress of your own destinies and all

  10. Oh get a grip Anonymous,

    troll of this blog and all :P

  11. It's sad how that exact conversation plays out in my head day in, day out..."lose a few more pounds"...but it's never enough, is it? I don't know if I could be any other way though, think that's what scares me. Stay strong x

  12. The problem is therapy is like that. There's so many fucked up people in the world that they don't have the time or resources to help everybody, so unless you are an extreme case, they won't and can't help you.

    I have the unfortunate fate of actually being fat...so no one will ever believe I have an ED (if indeed I even do). So far as I am concerned...being obsessive about weight and food is having an ED so yeah I guess I believe I have EDNOS...my councillor at college agreed with me so...

    anyway, unless you're near deaths door, therapists won't take you seriously. Some times even if you've been on deaths door... I tried to kill myself twice and they still don't view my psychosis as serious enough to need treatment. So there you go.

    The one thing everyone has to learn in life is that after everything and everyone...you're alone.

    Sad but true. I know that probably doesn't make you feel any better, but it's probably better in the long run to be realistic about things.


  13. You're always disappearing.. I miss you again Kate..
    Jen xx

  14. I worry a lot that i have a problem, but I haven't lost enough weight for anyone to take me seriously.

  15. Your really an annoying person, you have so many people reading every thought you have and incoraging you although you never even write. only when you feel like it. yes we get it its so hard going through this all, emotions coming back well get over it. if its too much you shouldn't of started this. your so freaking dramatic yes im anorexic yet im not a drama queen about every little thought that enters my brain. don't go thinking im just some wannanarexic like most the girls of this site, my bmi isn't in the 20's gross my bmis's in the 15's. get over yourself
    thats all

  16. ^ is this a competition now?


    I speak for a lot of people when I say I appreciate what Kate offers us: compassion and understanding.

  17. I've read this blog for almost a year, through Kat's struggles and now yours.
    And I must admit both have helped me through the darker days of my ED.
    Even though I don't want recovery, your blog gives me a lot to think about and I hope you continue writing for us.

    -H. <3

  18. Thanks galz. I've been so sick! I'm better now. Post coming soon!

  19. Gluttony is normal for most humans and starving is abnormal.

    Both us glutton and you ana wannabes are egoistic. You ana wannabes want to be thin yet you lack the discipline or the know how to do it safely. You lack the knowledge on purpose and they you portray yourselves as tragic victims. Real anas, the few that there actually are really are victims. The rest of you need to grow up.

    You girls are fat girls who have yet to get fat. Eventually you will be "cured" and you will get fat and stinky like all the other fat girls as you submit to the belly God.

  20. Hey people,
    I was just wondering if anyone has any of Kat's old blog in a word document or anything. I have from the beginning to the 21st April 2009 and wanted from there to the end. I still love reading Kat's blog so if anyone can hel that would be great. Message me or commnet on my blog


    Much love

  21. Hmm its been over a month. You ever coming back? I miss you!

  22. We relate with this so much! You can't even imagine how many times I have considered asking, even begging, for help, but did not because I'm not thin enough. I don't want to seem pathetic. We can reach our goals(: I wish you the best of luck, and I'm totally here for support. I just started a proana blog today with my best friend, and I'd love for us to maybe talk through that.



  23. come visit my blog please. i just started and want some followers. it'll keep my mind preoccupied and make me feel so much better to interact with people who understand me.


  24. Everybody's given up hope that you're ever going to post again. I miss Kat :'(

  25. i just wanted to say i find your blog so inspirational, i too have broken my relationship with ana and mia and tried 'fatter but happy'

    doesnt work :(

    gaining weight only makes you miserable, i want to get back with ana but its a struggle.

    im new to this whole blogging thing but its nice to see im not the only one in the world going through this

    if you have any advice or encouragement that would be great :)

    this is my blog


    thanks, and stay strong L xx

  26. Girls, you are all beautiful! And you would be just as beautiful no matter what you weighed. I used to be anorexic and bulimic. Seriously, a salad and some chocolate chips (could never get rid of my sweet tooth) and that was it! But, I went into recovery. I saw a nutritionist and therapist who is the absolute most wonderful woman. I know you girls may not feel ready to take that step, but when you do, don't be afraid. Seriously, if you are strong enough to fast and diet and all that, then you are strong enough to say, "hey, i need help!" Be courageous! You are strong, beautiful women! And you can say no to ana. I know it sounds crazy. I know, I know, I know. But you are worth it. If any of you want to contact me to hear my story (please please please, no hate mail): bjt6@students.calvin.edu. THANK YOU! I love you all!

  27. But who has a large body and is happy? Do those people exist? If I were honest and being myself I'd call them all liars. I tried it. I tried not caring. I tried being a homemaker. Being jolly. Being myself and loving myself. Its been horrible. I can't take it anymore. I need my body back. I need to be beautiful.

    Large and happy? I feel like that's an oxymoron.

  28. im really trying not to eat but it only last for 3 days, i need tips or something and how do you get mum and dad to stop forcing you to eat?

  29. Thats is so true... That's exactly what I'm thinking about right now when I am sitting on my bed holding a bisquit and biting it and I don't really want but yes I want... but I can't... I can't. :(

  30. I feel like i am not "sick enough" for help every day... I can relate to this!