I’ve been distant, I know.
I won’t let it happen again.
You see, I’ve been getting kicked in the gut over and over again. I don’t blame you for being upset that I haven’t posted. I’ve just been flat on my back, emotionally, and I’m really, really ready to leave this place. I’ve got sooo much to catch you up on, and I hadn’t decided until now whether or not I was going to be able to do it. I think I can.
I’ve described to you before how EDs push people away. I know it first hand from my own experiences pushing everyone in my life out – slamming the doors so Ana and I could be alone and concentrate on progress. But this is the first time I’ve ever been the one on the other side of the door. It’s no fun. I’ve often made the parallel between an ED and an abusive relationship. In my own recovery, I refer to my eating disorder as a person, “Ed.”
Kat said she was doing better, and said she didn’t want to do this blog anymore and that she knew it was keeping her from recovery.
I don’t know how to write about all that’s transpired since then, because I can’t process it fully myself yet. I’ve been trying to verbalize so I could share with you, but I don’t know how yet.
I’ve been really torn up since recently; Kat started shutting everyone out, including me. She’s been behaving really erratically and making a lot of crazy moves. She stole from
I’ve cried a lot. For a week all I could think about was “Speechless” by Lady Gaga. The Lyrics totally expressed my feelings. The day after she ran away from home, I wrote her a letter. Here goes.
I wanted to write this to you today to give you a glimpse into actual reality. I know that to a certain extent, you know that what I am about to say is true.
I love you. And I’m a fool in love because it’s destroying me emotionally. I feel so useless as I write this at my little table at Starbucks.
How long do you think relationships can handle going through the meat grinder that is Ana and Mia? You are missing so much.
One of my biggest regrets in life is that I feel like I just started living 3 years ago. Life, it turns out, is a cornucopia of amazing sounds, colors, thoughts – emotions even – that my eating disorder would not allow me to experience.
I’m talking about your eating disorder because I blame your relationship with Ana/Mia squarely for the crumbling relationships between you and our family who love you so desperately.
It makes me want to scream, or shake you because you are stuck in an addiction that promises everything, but offers you nothing. And you have traded the greatest gifts in your life for those cheap lies.
I know “recovery” often seems ridiculous. But I have chosen to implore you to try.
Why? Because I’m fed up. I’m sick to death of being slapped in the face by Ed when I need my sister! I hate that he is keeping you from being here for me, and that because of him, you have nothing to offer your family in a time of need.
I hate that the other night, you could have been having a blast with me and my crazy friends at the party, but instead you chose to spend the night in the bathroom. Try to tell me that doesn’t hurt.
But that is the reality of our EDs. Not the beautiful, thin, fulfilled models you posted as thinspiration. That’s the lie that Ana promises but never delivers in a way that is satisfying.
Trust me, as someone who was married to Ed for ten years, he’s a fucking loser who warps your perspective of the world and sucks every ounce of color and joy out.
Ed promises you beauty, perfection, love, acceptance, and that you will be valued. He delvers misery, depression loneliness, despair, self-hatred and death.
It’s not beauty - It’s the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen.
I wish you could open your eyes and see that here before you is a family absolutely in love with you. Desperately in love with you. Tragically hurt by your actions. But this is what Ed does. He wants you isolated. He wants dead. He wants you lonely, and depressed. I love you. I want you. I even need you. But as long as you continue in your self-destructive tendencies, you will continue to fail us. How long can this go on? How many will be casualties before you stop? I am here for you. As I said in one of my blog posts, I feel like in a lot of ways, I have yet to even meet you.
The fact is, you are an adult now and it’s 100% your choice how you want to live your life. No one can or will stop you. I just urge you to think long and hard about what you want in your life, and if you are on a path to achieve it. They say hindsight is 20/20. In so many ways we are similar. If you extrapolate the hindsight theory, I look into your future and see utter personal disaster if you don’t reach out and accept the true love and help you deserve and need. I see you breaking relationships. Missing the beauty in life, and perhaps even losing your future husband - simply because you chose the bathroom option.
I of all people know that it isn’t easy. But you are loved. You have support. You need to act. Please reach out and stop missing everything. We need you. You do have a choice. No one is making you hurt us – it is you.
* * *
Things seemed better for a while. Then, two weeks ago, she left home for good, leaving my mother with only a note. Since then, Kat’s been shutting everyone out. She unfriended the whole family on facebook, even me. Aside from one text, I haven’t heard from her.
There’s been a lot of erratic behavior. I get that. I know it’s a part of this whole thing. I also know that I’m oversimplifying here – and a lot of shit has gone down, and it’s not easy to explain.
I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of worrying. I can’t concentrate on anything. I’m ANGRY that I don’t have a sister present when I need her. Kat’s obviously pushing everyone away, but even I feel like the limits of my patience have been tested. How many times can someone (metaphorically) hang up on you before you give up trying to call? Judah and I love Kat a lot, but hey, even we are human. To quote Shakespeare, “If you prick us, do we not bleed? …If you poison us, do we not die?”
I guess I need to figure out how to love her without continually getting destroyed in the process. I’ve been on the sidelines with a few injuries.
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