Monday, February 15, 2010

Bad News

I’ve been distant, I know.

I won’t let it happen again.

You see, I’ve been getting kicked in the gut over and over again. I don’t blame you for being upset that I haven’t posted. I’ve just been flat on my back, emotionally, and I’m really, really ready to leave this place. I’ve got sooo much to catch you up on, and I hadn’t decided until now whether or not I was going to be able to do it. I think I can.

I’ve described to you before how EDs push people away. I know it first hand from my own experiences pushing everyone in my life out – slamming the doors so Ana and I could be alone and concentrate on progress. But this is the first time I’ve ever been the one on the other side of the door. It’s no fun. I’ve often made the parallel between an ED and an abusive relationship. In my own recovery, I refer to my eating disorder as a person, “Ed.”

Kat said she was doing better, and said she didn’t want to do this blog anymore and that she knew it was keeping her from recovery.

I don’t know how to write about all that’s transpired since then, because I can’t process it fully myself yet. I’ve been trying to verbalize so I could share with you, but I don’t know how yet.

I’ve been really torn up since recently; Kat started shutting everyone out, including me. She’s been behaving really erratically and making a lot of crazy moves. She stole from Judah’s workplace. She stole from my friend at a party. She dropped out of High School. She was staying at my house for a few weeks, and picked up and left one night without warning. Back at my parent’s house a few weeks later, she ran away from home. She’s been lashing out and hurting everyone around her, honestly being kind of a jerk, and busting up her relationships.

I’ve cried a lot. For a week all I could think about was “Speechless” by Lady Gaga. The Lyrics totally expressed my feelings. The day after she ran away from home, I wrote her a letter. Here goes.

Dear “Kat”,

I wanted to write this to you today to give you a glimpse into actual reality. I know that to a certain extent, you know that what I am about to say is true.

I love you. And I’m a fool in love because it’s destroying me emotionally. I feel so useless as I write this at my little table at Starbucks.

How long do you think relationships can handle going through the meat grinder that is Ana and Mia? You are missing so much.

One of my biggest regrets in life is that I feel like I just started living 3 years ago. Life, it turns out, is a cornucopia of amazing sounds, colors, thoughts – emotions even – that my eating disorder would not allow me to experience.

I’m talking about your eating disorder because I blame your relationship with Ana/Mia squarely for the crumbling relationships between you and our family who love you so desperately.

It makes me want to scream, or shake you because you are stuck in an addiction that promises everything, but offers you nothing. And you have traded the greatest gifts in your life for those cheap lies.

I know “recovery” often seems ridiculous. But I have chosen to implore you to try.

Why? Because I’m fed up. I’m sick to death of being slapped in the face by Ed when I need my sister! I hate that he is keeping you from being here for me, and that because of him, you have nothing to offer your family in a time of need.

I hate that the other night, you could have been having a blast with me and my crazy friends at the party, but instead you chose to spend the night in the bathroom. Try to tell me that doesn’t hurt.

But that is the reality of our EDs. Not the beautiful, thin, fulfilled models you posted as thinspiration. That’s the lie that Ana promises but never delivers in a way that is satisfying.

Trust me, as someone who was married to Ed for ten years, he’s a fucking loser who warps your perspective of the world and sucks every ounce of color and joy out.

Ed promises you beauty, perfection, love, acceptance, and that you will be valued. He delvers misery, depression loneliness, despair, self-hatred and death.

It’s not beauty - It’s the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen.

I wish you could open your eyes and see that here before you is a family absolutely in love with you. Desperately in love with you. Tragically hurt by your actions. But this is what Ed does. He wants you isolated. He wants dead. He wants you lonely, and depressed. I love you. I want you. I even need you. But as long as you continue in your self-destructive tendencies, you will continue to fail us. How long can this go on? How many will be casualties before you stop? I am here for you. As I said in one of my blog posts, I feel like in a lot of ways, I have yet to even meet you.

The fact is, you are an adult now and it’s 100% your choice how you want to live your life. No one can or will stop you. I just urge you to think long and hard about what you want in your life, and if you are on a path to achieve it. They say hindsight is 20/20. In so many ways we are similar. If you extrapolate the hindsight theory, I look into your future and see utter personal disaster if you don’t reach out and accept the true love and help you deserve and need. I see you breaking relationships. Missing the beauty in life, and perhaps even losing your future husband - simply because you chose the bathroom option.

I of all people know that it isn’t easy. But you are loved. You have support. You need to act. Please reach out and stop missing everything. We need you. You do have a choice. No one is making you hurt us – it is you.

* * *

Things seemed better for a while. Then, two weeks ago, she left home for good, leaving my mother with only a note. Since then, Kat’s been shutting everyone out. She unfriended the whole family on facebook, even me. Aside from one text, I haven’t heard from her.

There’s been a lot of erratic behavior. I get that. I know it’s a part of this whole thing. I also know that I’m oversimplifying here – and a lot of shit has gone down, and it’s not easy to explain.

I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of worrying. I can’t concentrate on anything. I’m ANGRY that I don’t have a sister present when I need her. Kat’s obviously pushing everyone away, but even I feel like the limits of my patience have been tested. How many times can someone (metaphorically) hang up on you before you give up trying to call? Judah and I love Kat a lot, but hey, even we are human. To quote Shakespeare, If you prick us, do we not bleed? …If you poison us, do we not die?”

I guess I need to figure out how to love her without continually getting destroyed in the process. I’ve been on the sidelines with a few injuries.

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  1. First it's "Ana" now it's "Ed"
    if you must choose a little pet name atleast be consistent.

    I just think it's kind of silly and a bit confusing.

  2. Kat's hurting. Trying to live without Ana is like trying to live without your right arm to some of us. It's just hard, and she feels like she has no where to turn to now. (I know; i've been there. I tried recovery once, you know.) Just make sure she knows she's loved. And honestly, sometimes its best to just let a person have their eating disorder if it's not hurting them as much as living without it would.

  3. i hope kat comes to her senses. i miss her.

  4. I get what you're saying but sometimes I think the eating disorder really does control us, isn't that the whole reason it is classed as a mental illness? Sometimes it is not a choice. But yeh I guess at some point it does becomes a choice but maybe Kat just isn't at that point yet. Look after yourself too, x

  5. No He didn't have a reason. He never even called. I'm so mad at him. His loss though because he's been trying to go out with me for a very long time and now he blew it.

    I'm sorry about Kat. I acted the same way when I quit cutting myself after I'd gotten out of the psych ward. I felt like I had nothing to keep control over without cutting and I couldn't even control myself. That's why I turned to ana.

    Kat probably just needs some sort of outlet, like a hobby or sport or something.
    I drowned myself in school.

    She needs to find something to control.

  6. I know how you feel honey. I have the same kind of relationship with my sister, though not because she has an eating disorder. It's a long story. I can't say anything to you though, because I'm still struggling with how to handle her.

    I wish I could talk to Kat, but I guess nothing some dork half way round the world has to say will change what she's feeling.

    Be thankful for one thing though babes...this is something you've gone through. That gives you an advantage, though it may not seem that way at the moment. What you've got to try and do is keep your cool. Don't go after her, don't try to get her back, because that'll make her wanna run even more. You've gotta be ready for when she picks up on the fact that she's letting herself fall. Hopefully she'll realise that sooner rather than later.

    I'm not good at the advice thing honey, even when it's to someone I know face to face...Just, try not to let it effect you, remember that you're no use to her if you're flying apart at the seams've got through it, she's yet to make that decision and it would appear she's deciding the other way...but it's her choice. If you try to help her, all she'll see at the moment is that you're trying to control all you can do is wait. I know that's horrible but you need to have a cool head for when she's ready to pack it in, no matter which way she might choose to do that, good or (god forbid) worse.

    I don't know if my rambling is helping, like I said, I'm not so good at the whole advice thing.

    I don't really know what else to say except that I hope she realises how much you love her.

    Peace xXx

  7. Wow, thanks Rhi. And btw, yes, it does help, and I also tend to think that you're totally right. xoxo

  8. And yeah, I definitely get it. I was the same way, in a lot of ways. It's just interesting to be on the receiving end. It totally blows. No wonder relationships takes a very patient person to hang on through this.

  9. I'm so sorry, Kate. I understand where Kat is now, pushing everyone away. I haven't done it to that extent, but I've hidden from the people that love me when I should have reached out. I lied & told my friends I was fine when I wasn't. But I'm going into recovery now. And part of that is because of this blog. I know you are hurting right now & you're sad. But you're not broken in the same way that I could see Kat was. I look up to you. I can only imagine how hard it must be to keep up this blog. You're having to deal with everything Kat's going through plus relive your own memories. And the hater's comments aren't helping. But know this. You're making a difference. Even if you can't help Kat just yet, you are helping people. I love you like a sister. Even if you don't blog for a while, could I email you?

  10. I see life like this.. People come in your life and leave your life. Families are made of people. Family can come and go believe it or not. As much as some would like their families to be close, sometimes we just have to accept that they make their own choices. You told her you were there. She knows you're there. She'd now knows how you truly feel it's now up to her to decide whether or not she wants to take your feelings into consideration.

    Being someone who has an addictive personality and has had lots of addictions, eating disorders are harder to get through because the outcome is more satisfying than any other addiction. Sometimes you're just caught. You can try and try and try to things by yourself nad get over your problem, but sometimes you just can't get out no matter who you're hurting. Drugs are the same way. They hurt the people around you, but sometimes you just can't say no and you just can't stop. It's selfish to some extent but sometimes it gets to that point where you just can't stop and you just can't grab a hold of yourself anymore. I think regardless of her decision to stop, come home, mend your relationship, or keep going in her own direction you should be there for her. Your her sister and a sister needs to love unconditionally. Or let her go.

    But I know you love her so I know you'll keep holding on to her. I think you can still hold on but at a distance. give her room to make a decision and then be there when she decides. you may not agree, but you can still love her and be there for her no matter what!

  11. Some people have already given you pretty much all the advice there is for a situation like this. Just make sure she knows you love her and care for her, and that you support her in the best possible way you can. She needs a bit of space at the moment, she needs to sort things out without these things being decided for her. I hope she's ok, and I hope that you are ok too. Stay strong, take care, xo Helen.

  12. Am I the only one who thinks the problem is that the family is completely invalidating Kat's feelings? That's what she was seeking with Pro-Ana, people who didn't judge her.

    I really don't think you're being supporting by badgering Kat. I know you're doing it with the best of intentions, but I think it's the wrong way to go about helping her. If she thinks that all her family cares about is her bad behaviors, what purpose is there to try and get better? Because it would seem that, to her family, there IS nothing else but the bad.

    Stop talking to her about all of her problems, and start focusing on the positives, that's my suggestion.

  13. What I don't understand is why you put your sister out there like this online. She decided to get away from the pro-ana community and by you posting about her like this she is more involved than ever.

    It seems as You need her more than you trying to help HER. You want her to recover so she can be there for you it seem slike and that doesn't make any sense at all. If you really want to help your sister why are you using ablog and not talking to Her? All of these emotions and letter if they are so aimedf at her then why are you not trying as hard as you can do send th eletters to Her, to contact her instead of sitting and posting about how she has hurt your feelings to people to used ot follow Her blog. I don't understand your reasoning at all. If you want to help her then stop flaunting her problems after SHE DECIDED TO STOP. Jeez.

  14. Obviously, in my attempts to bring you all up to speed on a firestorm of events over the past month, I have failed to adequately explain the timing, sequence, heart and motive behind everything that happened.

    Since I can't change that now, let me update you on a few facts.

    Kat and I have talked a LOT about this personally, and privately before she dissapeared. If anyone could be on her side and be non-judgmental about this, it's me. This letter was given to hear (and read to her) in person. We have been close, and she even came to live with me for a while. I can't tell you how many countless nights we spent up late drinking tea and talking with Judah about her passion for writing, her stresses, just being sisters.

    The shock came when out of the blue, she started lashing out and shutting us out. (she dissapeared from my house on Christmas eve without ever letting us know anything was wrong - yeah, merry fucking christmas!) This started a long string of events that really hurt me and Judah, who had been the only ones on her side for a long time. If you've read and paid attention to this blog at all, you know how much I care about Kat.

    For now, since Kat has shut her whole family out of every aspect of her life, I can only hope that she might be reading this blog to know that I still care. I miss her.

  15. It seems hard to deal with, your sister. For this reason, I hope I can keep Ed a secret to protect my family.

  16. AM Lady,

    The shitty part of EDs is that you may hide the food related stuff from your family, but you will never hide the emotional side effects. Those are the ones that really destroy families. In fact, they aren't really side effects, but the main cause of the ED. The food stuff and body issues are really the side effects.

  17. Wow, the letter to Kat really spoke to me.