At a pivotal moment in the song (I am doing "Monster" by Lady Gaga), I do this awesome spinny climb, then a backwards layout, and then I drop back, upside down, holding on to the pole with nothing but the tops of my feet and my shins. (I know, it sounds impossible, but trust me, my body acts like a counter weight and it works - it's pretty flippin' cool when done gracefully.) At that point, I slide down the pole (upside down) into a handstand and kick down. Mind you, I am supposed to do all of this in my 6.5" stilettos.
Last night I lost my steam spiraling up the pole and didn't even make it to the drop back. Twice. I'm not sure what happened, but I can only assume it's because i'm feeling so physically worn out from all of the training. As I drove home, I was sorting out a lot of awful emotions - envisioning myself failing to climb the pole and imagining judgmental onlookers thinking that it was because I was too heavy. It's ridiculous, of course, but Ana still takes every opportunity to put those thoughts in my mind...
I've always been a bit of a perfectionist, which Ana has always told me coordinates with her outfits perfectly. A trim of perfection - to be the best - to strike awe into others...
The thought of not being perfect - of not being the best - made me falter for a moment and wonder if I should back out of the performance. I had plenty of excuses I could give - what with my back strain and my injured knee...
But no. I remembered that this is exactly what Ana does to me. She keeps me from living. She keeps me from doing amazing things - good things that I want to do. She tells me that if I'm not perfect, it's not worth doing...I'm not worth being. But it's not true. I'm doing this for me, and I'm doing it for you. And I would never do it if I left it up to Ana.
I'm doing this for the little girls inside of us who skipped fun outings with our friends at the pool on days that we felt fat or weren't comfortable in our own, beautiful skin. This body is my home, and not my enemy. Perfection is my enemy. And if I don't get my drop back, then I don't get it. But I'm not going to let Ana's perfectionistic mirages take this night away from me.
Cheers - 9 days to go!
xoxo
Kate
I know you'll get it. It will be amazing even if it's not "perfect". You're awesome.
ReplyDeleteWow, you're such an inspiration. I wish you all the best with your performance! Practice is all you need.
ReplyDeletexo
i just wanted to tell you--everything you write is extremely motivating and inspiring. i love the way you write and you have so many emotions behind everything you say.
ReplyDelete:)<3
Even though I'm not in recovery, I find you and your blog so inspiring. You're so strong, in so many ways.
ReplyDeleteYou're a fighter and if I were ever to want recovery, this blog would just be yet another inspiration
...and this one. I totally needed this too.
ReplyDeleteyou should have heard the panic in my brain when my husband's cousin said "Hey...you should come out jet-skiing with us next time."
Bathing suit?! *runs away screaming*
But seriously...there are so many things that I have kept myself from doing because of my imperfect body and the fear of the judgement of others. I don't even own a bathing suit. I've done my best to keep my body hidden for twenty years, but I've been missing out on life.
Thanks for this post. It gives food for thought.
thank you so much for posting this. you say things that i am too scared to say myself. i sometimes won't even come out of my room because i look so fat. i stopped going to school because i was embarrassed of myself and so i flunked out of my classes. i have not only stopped doing things i want to do- i've stopped LIVING, all because i'm at a normal BMI now, not "underweight".
ReplyDeleteyou are an inspiration. thank you so much.