Thursday, December 31, 2009

“Ding-Dong: Relapse Calling!”

Note: I took this blog post down after writing it last night because I felt it was written from a very post-recovery perspective, which I know many of you are not ready to hear. But based on the feedback and comments I got after taking it down, I've decided to go ahead and put it back will be interesting to hear how you all react to this. :) I had a bad night. Ok here goes!
* * * * *

Wow - Some Days it’s JUST as Hard.

I remember this. In a huge way, it’s humbling for me to experience this tonight, and to write it down for you. But then again, I promised to be honest with you, and I know you can relate, so once again, here are all of my guts. The good, the bad, the ugly… the completely flatly humbled. If you had asked me yesterday if I thought I would come within an inch of relapse today, I probably would have said “no way, not me.” Yet here I stand, on the edge of the cliff, looking out into the abyss of nothingness once again.

“Do it.” Ana says to me.

* * * * * * * *

Three years ago I married my best friend. We were both actors – and met on the stage. We still love the theater, but find it harder and harder to fit the demanding rehearsal schedules into a more “normal” life. We tend to still get our annual fix though, (in fact we just closed the DC premier of one of our favorite musicals together.)

Tonight, my husband, let’s call him Judah, received an out of the blue casting call from a Director friend of ours looking for a last minute replacement for a show that opens in 3 weeks.

“That’s great – I’m really happy for you, Judah” I said as I was driving home, genuinely excited for his opportunity, but feeling a twinge of sadness knowing I would miss him over the rigorous rehearsal weeks ahead.

I had just hung up the phone when I began to feel a completely unexplainable sense of anxiety. What would this mean? Three weeks alone? What am I going to do with my evenings? Of course this blog came to mind.

A mischievous little devil popped up inside of me that I haven’t heard from in a while and pointed out “You’ll be home alone. No one will be watching you or what you eat. You’ve made a few friends on those pro-ana sites… come on, give it another whirl – for old time’s sake - it’ll be fun!”

I pushed the thought out of my mind, as I have become so accustomed to doing for the past few years. But I continued worrying about the impending loneliness of the weeks ahead, and what I might do if left alone.

Judah is my world – he is absolutely the light of my life. I began to feel worried and incredibly anxious as I pulled into our parking space, pushed my way through the icy December air and into our house.

The warm, sweet air hit my face like a fireball. Judah was waiting at home to kiss me goodbye before leaving for his first rehearsal.

I didn’t mean to get into a fight, honestly, I didn’t. But sometimes I really suck at verbal communication and I think I ended up sounding really selfish. Maybe I was being selfish. I want him to go do the show, but I really will miss him, and his being gone is going to be hard in a lot of ways.

And, out of the blue, Ana stepped in to my aid.
“Let me handle this” she said as she breezed by me confidently.

The next thing I knew, Judah was gone and I was sobbing on the bed, screaming with my face in the pillow like I haven’t done in years.

Ana was there, sitting on the bed next to me, stroking my back with her fragile little hand saying “There there. If he doesn’t care, don’t worry – you know I do.”

And that’s how I got back on the edge of that damned cliff.

I stayed on the edge there, feeling claustrophobic in my own skin for a good twenty minutes. It felt like hours - tears streaming down my face and soaking my pillow as I stood on the precipice. What to do. Ana was telling me to starve myself. Mia was telling me to empty the fridge. And, for the first time in a good 3 years, I could not even hear Kate.

Just then, the phone rang.
I ignored it.
It rang again.
I silenced it.
It rang a third time.
I looked to see that it was Judah calling repeatedly.
I did not pick up.
Ana and Mia were still in my head.

I got a voicemail from a rather frustrated and sad sounding Judah saying:

“I just wish you would talk to me. It’s really not fair to me or to you …obviously I care about you, and I don’t know why you’re so upset with me. I try, I really do – to help you and support you and to give you what you need. And if something conflicts, we need to talk about it, but I just wish you would actually talk to me. I love you.”

And it dawned on me what had happened – again.

You see, Ana is a very jealous friend. She doesn’t allow me to love or pay attention to anyone more than her. I sat bolt upright in bed and wiped the tears away. I replayed our fight in my mind and listened, with horror, to the alien words coming out of my mouth in slow motion, instant replay:

“…Because I suck as a wife.”
“I’m sorry – apparently I’m just not good enough…”

And it dawned on me: that’s not me talking.
That’s Ana doing what she does best:
1) Telling me what a big, gigantic fuck up I am and
2) Pushing away real love since I’m not worthy of it “yet.”

The rest of this evening is history. Did I restrict instead of eating dinner? Did I purge my brains out? I’m not sure the answer really matters. The important thing was that I recognized that Ana was, once again, attempting to destroy my relationship with my husband, and I resolved not to let that happen. I picked up the phone. I called him back.

To tell the truth, I didn’t starve, binge, or purge tonight. (And I deserve a freaking trophy for that, am I right?!) But I almost feel like that is beside the point.

Five years ago I resolved to recover because of the havoc Ana and Mia had wreaked over my life and over my relationships. Since then, it’s not been an easy road. Have I relapsed? Sure. I’ve fallen on my face over, and over, and over. In a sense I think I will always be in recovery. But that is OKAY! I’ve learned a lot about accepting myself, flaws, failures, relapses and all. Sometimes we forget that we need to forgive ourselves just as much – if not more – than we need to forgive others who hurt us. I chalk tonight up as one big win for Kate, for Judah, and for the happiness I’ve built in my new recovered life.

Can any one of you out there in cyberspace celebrate with me? Tonight is a big night, and no one knows it but me (well, and now all of you J). Because when Judah comes home, I’ll be present here – waiting for him, ready to be here for him, too. I could very easily have missed that, as I have missed and lost so many nights and relationships before.

I really wonder what you will say to this.

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  1. That's wonderful that you managed to stick to your recovery. It can't be easy, but that's what makes your posts so true. However, if being in the Pro-Ana community is triggering for you, you don't have to do it! You are a great addition, certainly, but don't sacrifice your recovery for us.

  2. I feel I can somewhat relate, only mostly because of being
    I know the pain of my DH(husband) so desperately wanting to see me recovered forever, but now stands over me wishing I'd just talk to him about things when I get quite and secretive.

    I am a stubborn brat, and I know that. I know I'm harboring Ana and trying to juggle her, DH and two daughters...I told myself that THIS time, I can have it all. I'm aware of my sick selfish behaviour... But I also feel your emotions so deeply... I know that inner struggle.

    It's not that I don't want to be recovered... Part of me wishes it was gone. I am recovered from Mia, but Ana (she so different) and it's funny how I have developed such a love/hate relationship with your blog..

    I tell myself don't read that! It's recovery bologna... but it's not true.. You still have the same struggles and feelings we all do. The only difference s that you are not acting on them and we are.
    What I see is your will power to stay on track & it is the same as our will power to restrict.

    If I could channel that backwards, I would.

    I like to be 100% honest with my feelings and online I can openly admit that maybe I am stubborn because I am only jealous. Now I'm just mad at myself for being weak.
    I've not only read your blog, I'm not relating and feeling emotions...

  3. That's good that you found a victory for yourself. But what if it doesn't have to ruin relationships? It can just improve them cause you feel better about yourself being thinner and you're happier and everything is dandy, I don't think ana has to be full of pain and misery.

  4. At one point i was planning on recovery, but i was NOT giving up my blog or stopping reading other people's blogs. That's what made me not want recovery... Perhaps that's what made Ana and Mia bother you again?

  5. I am sort of in a mid-recovery stage... its very complicated, I didn't go so far before to hurt myself very badly, and now I'm wanting to try again. It is a precipice, isn't it? Maybe smarter when burned twice, but that's dangerous, because maybe recovery just isn't possible if you keep going back and forth. its enough to keep me up at nights, this I know.

  6. Hi. This is "Judah". Thank you all for being supportive of my wife. She means more to me than anyone on this planet. More than life.

    Stephanie (and everyone else), Ana and Mia do hurt relationships. I watched my wife push away family and friends, and me as well. I'm grateful that I inherited my mothers stubborn nature, because I wouldn't let her push me away.

    Last night was hard for me too. Ana made it impossible for me to discuss an important decision with the one person whose input I wanted most. I couldn't talk to Kate. I could only talk to Ana. And Ana wasn't helpful. She warped my words and made me appear oppressive and angry and bitter. I was none of those things. I was scared. I was lonely. I needed my wife.

    How many times did I see Ana do the same thing to Kate's father, and mother, and family, and teachers before she learned how to shut Ana up. Put her in her place. Shout at the top of her mind's lungs "get the fuck out of my life".

    How many times has she done that to you?

    Do you even see it?

    My wife is heroic. She is stronger than she ever has been. I am so proud of the person she has allowed herself to become. The one that Ana hated. The one that Mia tortured. The one that Ed abused.

    Thank you, Kate, for choosing yourself, and happiness, and life instead of destruction and self loathing. Thank you for being present. Thank you for being my wife, and not Ana.

  7. Wow!

    What a resolve! What change of perspective. You have chosen what truly matter and is selfless, over what doesn't matter and is selfish.

    It tends to be those things we want the most, are thing we do not need, and the thing we need the most, are truly needs, such as your dear husband.

    He elected so much time into you, I can tell, and you gave him a great gift, one that will truly show him the depths of your love. I find it utterly incredible that you have done such a thing.

    I can see a great love in your husband. He seems to truly care about you, and he also seems to understand the situation and its lengths. That is the kind of man that ANY women would wish to have.

    You are being selfless, and that is such a gift for someone who is married. SOmeone who would choose her man over herself.

    I am utterly impressed!

    "I choose me, I choose my husband!"

    That, my dear friend, shows INCREDIBLE strength. That even us who are still in the 'pros' of the eating disorder wish that we had. If I could honestly look at ana and mia and NOT want them, then that is what I would get.

    However, I do not have the kind of strength that you do have. But I CAN celebrate with you. Tell you how utterly awesome it is that you have done this!

    That is TRUE recovery. Ignoring ana and mia! I am so happy with you!

    I am so proud and I don't even know you!


  8. what you managed to stop before it
    all began again was
    so incredibly amazing!

    ive had relapse over relapse
    over relapse, always knowing
    its about to happen, never
    being able to stop it.

    you are so strong and powerful
    you are controlling ana and mia
    instead of letting them control you
    i am beyond proud of you :)
    i hope everythings well with "Judah"


  9. I understand what you mean about Ana ruining everything. Sometimes I have glimpses of that, sometimes the logical part of me shines through and I try to fight her, I do. When I was deeper in the grips of Ana, severely underwieght, isolated, that was horrible. But now I am still restricting, still trying to lose, but maybe not so much in her grips. Some days, though, I just cry and want to be rid of her.

  10. I am glad you posted this for many reasons. Most of all, I am so proud of you. It's so easy to go into the darkness, to give in, to believe Ana's propaganda... it is so good that you were able to push through. On top of this, you had the clarity of mind to right your wrongs with your husband. These things are impossible to do unless you have a will and determination to be BETTER. Though not all of us are recovered, I can really admire your strength and will to keep your life on a good path.

    I mean it is so easy to give in to Ana's lies... the lies that will ruin every relationship. I think it says a lot that you pushed through, for the love of your husband and ultimately for the love of yourself - this is a huge accomplishment. Go into the new year with your head held high.


  11. I'm glad you reposted this, that's all I can think of saying.

  12. Your husband's comment made me tear up. I am a person who is generally devoid of that sort of emotion, so his words must have really hit me hard. Yours did, too. To read it from both points of view, it blows my mind. When I do what I do, I'm never thinking about who I'm alienating or how I'm hurting the people who care about me, I'm thinking about ME. And part of that is because I'm young, part of it's because I have a selfish nature, but a LOT of it is because Ana, Mia, Ed, all of them, are selfish, selfish friends.

  13. as much as i hate to say it, i really love reading about your recovery. i cant help but feel sincerely happy (and jealous!) of your ana/mia free life. you have such a beautiful life without those bitches ana and mia, and i hope it continues to prosper. :)

    i have to admit i miss kat terribly, but i hope that one day both kat and i can find the strength you've found. i hope you can teach kat that love and real human relationships are infinitely better than the cheap thrill ana gives us.

    you are every pro ana's secret hero, and its safe to say we are all so proud of you! <3


  14. Proud of you for catching yourself before something awful happened. *big hugs* I really admire you.
    I have a friend who's a former drug addict. More than five years of recovery under his belt. The way he copes with things is that every once in a while he'll change everything. His email address, his facebook, his forum url, he'll rearrange his furniture. I think he's just keeping himself busy. He'll spend hours moving forum posts and changing newsletter subscriptions and contacts over to a new email address. He'll occasionally vent about relapse dreams, and he's afraid to clean his bathroom because the chemicals make him feel a little high and that's really scary to him. I guess I digress. That's what recovery makes me think of. It's a lot of hard work and a lot of scary little moments when you're sure you're going to lose everything you've worked for. But they pass, and if they don't on their own you make them. I'm not sure if that's the slightest bit helpful. It's hypocritical, isn't it? Well, I'll post this anyway because I kind of like it. But anyway, I support you, gorgeous.

  15. oh please ... now theres a fake husband blogging
    thats one hell of a power trip whoever started this blog is on

  16. if you are recovered why do you refer to anorexia nervosa as ana? as a fragile little girl instead of the horrible disease that IT is? It's like having sweet little girl names for cancer or aids. Individuals with eating disorders turn anorexia into a girl but you say you are recovered so why not refer to this disease as anorexia nervosa and not create cute little names for it?

  17. I’ve decided today to visit a few people I’ve never met before. So Happy New Year!!

  18. Still calling bullshit. Writting style is the matter who is writting. I find this very interesting to say the least. Then again, I'm almost 40, been a psych nurse for 15 yrs and can see through a lot of shit even if I were face first in it. I was here for reading the blog, now I am adding the comments since it can get interesting...

  19. I think you call bullshit correctly!! The writing style is the same

    Maybe theres a cat or a dog in the house who can add a post next as we've already had the fake ana , the fake anas boyfriend , the fake anas sister and the fake anas sisters husband

    interesting to see the madness panning out tho

  20. I admire you. I really do.

  21. Anonymous has a point... I still don't know if I should trust this blog but I'll keep reading to see how it all works out...
    def does not sound like someone in recovery

  22. Well done with recognizing Ana before she took hold of you, you have so much more strength than I'll ever have! Ignore these idiots saying that it's bs, if they had ever gone through this hell than they would be able to realise that you, Kat, Paul and Judah are/were for real. Happy New Year to you and your family and I hope you have a good year and that Kat finds the peace and confidence that you have achieved!

    And be sure to tell Kat that we all miss her terribly!! <3


  23. "No trial has come to you but what is human. God is faithful and will not let you be tried beyond your strength; but with the trial he will also provide a way out, so that you may be able to bear it."
    ~1 Corinthians 10:13
    Love, Blue Fish

  24. I smell bullshit. I have been following Kat for a while and always had a inkling of her attention seeking, especially when her boyfriend started blogging? But this takes it to a whole new level. Get a life because you have a few too many fake ones!

  25. I am proud of you. Even if I m sure that you will relapse, keep trying. Thats all what matters.

  26. I just found out about this blog about a week ago. It's all true. I actually know these flesh and blood people. You can trust what Kate says.

  27. No way , total mentalist writing this blog. Can't believe y'all are falling for it. Typical troll behaviour with all of the blog swaps and new people.

  28. I am beginning to wonder the same thing here..

    Kat had her BF write.. now Kate writes, then her Husband...
    So what? Is it like a family share blog?
    Oh me and my sister are eating disordered and we write blogs about our messed up thought process... then we cave in and tell our husbands and boyfriends, who care so much for us, they feel the need to speak out and tell the Pro Ana cult online how bad and wrong it is and how wonderful recovery is and about their love...
    I smell a rat.
    I think we are all pawns in some anti ana conspiracy.
    Hook em with a meaningful blog, then lead them all towards recovery. We can be heroes!

    WOW - the ultimate in selfishness.. OOh look! I saved a WHOLE blog community - aren't I a good little person?

    Nice science experiment...

  29. Yes this is so totally fucked up can't believe 'Kat' did this :(

  30. Let's be honest here. We are ALL stupid to believe half of what is written on these blogs. I read it to read it. I dont trust a lot of what is said, because I would be a moron to. I have only called bullshit on one other blog ( on my way to thin ) If I dont trust the media why would I trut these?

    If you all follow and read many of these blogs, you will see how Mary will have a craptastic day, bead a nail and stub her toe...and Melanie will have stubbed her toe then broke her nail. A few seem to be very much a carbon copy. But like I said, I dont read because I agree or trust...I read for sstyle of writting or just because I find some are comical. Some of you are ana or mia or both, some are total wonnabe's. You can't tell me that you starve yourself and will still be over 200 lbs after mos and mos of doing this. Anyway JMO as someone who has worked in psych.

    Anywhooooo...this is one of the comical blogs I read. And for others I may follow...if even 10% of what is written is fact, then my heart breaks for you all. I have EDNOS so I can understand how you feel. I am not heartless, but being honest with yourself is what a blog about an ED should be about....not trying to make yourself look worse than everyone else or maybe I should say in this case better.

    Kate, Kat, husband, boyfriend, computer literate dog, pet mouse and anyone else who will write...why not be honest with the community and your followers, say this is what it is...fictional...and I bet you will have more ppl following you and happy to read your writtings.

  31. Interesting to read all of these thoughts and comments. On the one hand, I guess I can't fully blame you for wondering what the hell is going on. I could sit here and say "it really is us" - because it is, but this is the internet as you said, and you're under no obligation to believe, or read for that matter.

    I've been away from the computer for several days - Kat ran away from home, the family did an intervention, and yes, the whole family knows about and is now reading (and apparently commenting) on this blog. EDs live in secret, and now mine is most utterly exposed. It's kind of like being naked. It was one thing to expose myself and share my full story with the online community, yet quite another now to be sharing with my most intimate friends and relatives. In a lot of ways I feel like I'm breaking off bits of my soul to feed to seagulls, and it's totally jarring to see so many people angry with what I am doing. But be angry if you want - I'm here because I love my sister, and I feel that there is a missing voice on these blogs - one that I feel compelled to fill.

    So believe me or not, read me or not, but I'll be here, writing the honest to God truth... no matter how painful it is.

    Why? Because I love you all stupidly. I've never met you, but your in the middle of a battlefield. And I do battle for people I love.

    Stay strong.

  32. Oh my goodness, is Kat okay??
    I hope she is, I would hate to see our girly go through more hell. x

  33. So your parents didn't know about your ED before? How does that work?

  34. Just my two cents: I am ambivalent towards this new blogger and the new blog's content.

    Whether or not what is posted is entirely the truth, however, Kat (and Kate?) are obviously experiencing a very troubling time, and I genuinely wish Kat and her entire family fine strength and hope.

  35. im so confused what happened to Kat is she okay?

  36. iv been reading this blog for a few months now and really enjoyed reading kats posts, i hope that she is ok and that taking care of herself and welcome to kate who, although writes from a different perspective, is aslo a joy to read!

    can i also ask a question? i have just set up my own blog called me and my bones-pro ana/mia but am unsure how to advertise so others know it is there, I am using the blog for me to express myself but it would be nice to have some feed back too? xx

  37. Kate, thank you for doing this. I miss Kat and I think that if she wants to have a blog to express what she's going through she should have it, but if she deleted it on her own then I guess that's what she felt like she needed. I'm not gonna get caught up in whether or not this is all real. It doesn't matter right now. To me, "Kate" and "Kat" are thousands of girls all over the world. Thanks for speaking for us anas- on both sides of the struggle. Maybe I will recover some day. I love you, Kate and Kat.

  38. wow well done !you do deserve a trophy :D i never realised how hard it was to recover from that sort of thing youve done amazingly be PROUD of YOURSELF xxxxxxx

  39. Wow. Thank you for that. Thank you for telling us that. Thank you. So much. Thank you.

  40. You're so strong. Keep it up sweetheart, please. And do not make Ana or Mia hurt you. Don't listen to them! You should live your life exactly as YOU want to! You seem like a beautiful girl, and i bet you are. Live the life you're supposed to:)

    Anyways, you're an incredible good writer, just want you to know! Wow.. i'm really impressed, really.
    Im norwegian btw! and i'm SO going to follow you're blog. I'm looking forward to the day you've forgotten all about Ana and Mia:)

  41. Ok, uhm... I've read all of your post now. And i may have misunderstood? Are you free from Ana now? are you completely healthy and recovered? I really want to know.

    You're amazing anyways. and im so proud even tho i don't know you. I want you to be healthy, and not knowing Ana and Mia anymore <3

  42. Hey Kate, are you still there? It's been kind of a while...

  43. Takes that while to fabricate things I see

  44. This is an amazing post and to be honest I think you are amazing, a very strong person.
    I relapsed last year.. I had recovered and did not realise how recovered I was until I was back in my 'little glass box'. I know myself very well and I suppose I knew this was coming before the rational part of my mind could talk me out of it.. When I decided - after many screaming matches in my head - that I didn't want this, that I had recovered for a reason etc, I told people, I told the person I see as my older brother and my best friend.. my 'older brother' used to be bulimic so he tried to help the way he was helped.. this is not a way that could help me, and my best friend.. having never known - thank god - the hell of having an eating disorder did not know what to do.
    I was proud that I had told - stubborn as ever I did not ask for help, I just stated it - people, I was 'looking after myself'..
    I payed for telling, I'm still paying, 'Ana' - so to speak - doesn't like being told on as you probably well know.
    Anyway, I just wanted to say that you are very strong and in an odd sense I envy you.
    Good luck to you.xo

  45. i just want to say that you are stronger than most of us, well at least me, and i hope that you continue to fight these urges. you sound like a good person and i wish your future is bright. it sounds cheesey but i felt like i needed to comment.

  46. Who ever asked about parents not knowing about the ED and the assholes that keep bashing the unholy confusing world of ED's should just be slapped in the face. If you don't understand don't just judge and assume.

  47. "“…Because I suck as a wife.”
    “I’m sorry – apparently I’m just not good enough…”

    And it dawned on me: that’s not me talking.
    That’s Ana doing what she does best:
    1) Telling me what a big, gigantic fuck up I am and
    2) Pushing away real love since I’m not worthy of it “yet.”"

    This knocked the wind out of me. I can't count the number of times that I have done this, said these things, though it's not ana that is behind it. I punish myself with food in another way, but that doesn't matter.

    Thank you for this. It will stay in my memory and the next time those words perch on my tongue, I hope to swallow them down.

    I so needed this.