Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Words, Illusions and Paint

I've been quiet today, reading your blogs and getting to know the individual members of this community a lot better.

I feel a deep sense of longing, of loss that I can't fully explain. Most of the time, I don't think in words - I feel things, I hear music, I see colors. I paint.

I painted this.

Your blogs have touched me. I feel like I've known you my whole life, at the same time we've never met. It reminds me of being in that underwater place, looking up at the sun through the ripples...wondering what it's like to breathe.

I know that some of you don't trust me because of my claims to be in "recovery." This painting will always hang prominently in my house as a reminder to me. Never forget, and never give up hope.

It feels strange to say, but, I love you.

Sleep tonight, little anas, if you can. It always helps.


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  1. Thankyou :)
    The painting's gorgeous btw, makes me wish I was a painter.

  2. I agree, your painting is beautiful. I think part of the reason we have blogs, is to feel that connection to people. To feel like maybe, for just one moment, we are going through the same thing. Feeling the same feelings. Thinking the same thoughts.

    Sweet Dreams, Kate.
    We love you too.

  3. Lovely painting. I didn't want to comment because I was angry at you for taking Kat's place. We miss her...let her know. But you seem to be a good next part to her story.

    Take care


  4. That's a beautiful, very real painting. I don't know what you were thinking while you made it, but to me it shows how we detatch ourselves from our bodies, like they are just objects.

  5. I keep rereading this post over and over, and im not even sure why.

  6. This post made me cry, especially looking at your painting.
    I still don't think I'm ready for that recovery shit. But I definitely don't doubt you. The emotions in that painting speak to me, as an artist who can't get her emotion out in any form; painting, song-writing, poetry.
    I feel that in this community, no matter how much we miss Kat, and all the things she had to say, a lot of people will benefit from your posts.
    So thank you.

  7. It's not that i don't trust you; i just don't understand you... You seem to care so much about us all though, and that is something i do understand. I've fallen deeply in love with all my dears on here even without meeting them; i'm glad i can relate to you in something, at least.

  8. That was beautiful. And your painting is beautiful.

  9. Your first post was frusturating but I think I understand better now. That painting is beautiful. :) I know what you mean about music and color rather than thought. Im that way also.

  10. Your picture is beautiful. I know what you mean, on my blog i feel a connection to all of my readers. I think it's because they know more about me than all of my friends. Every tear, every trip to the scale, every fast, they know about. I can't wait to read more.

  11. This is a tangent but it sounds like you may have Synesthesia. An example would be that you see numbers as a certain color, or sounds are a certain color/feeling/smell/ect. It's nothing to freak out about, but I just thought I'd share that information. It's actually really common among artists and one of my really good friends found out she was a synesthetes.

  12. Why I liked Kat is cause she felt so down to earth.
    Why i like you Kate you feel like an older sister to me.
    but I won't go into recovery not yet not until I feel like I need it.

  13. You are so talented! I love your art! These types of blogs helps me realize that there are similar people like me in this world.

    I hope you have a great day! XOXO

  14. Wow ... I agree with everyone's comments. I wish you all well.


  15. Lovely painting. Wishing you all the best for the new year. :)


  16. I love your art, it's very expressive. It's your words through paint. :) I'd hang it in my house too.

    We're all so connected here. We all share and bond and breathe our words into each other and know what others thoughts are. We are attached in a hundred thousand different ways we can't explain because we can never be aware of them all ourselves. And of course that's why we love each other--we're as vital to each others' existance as water and air. We can feel because we know what it's like.

    I really love your posts, I'm always reading, but sometimes there aren't the right words to comment. (Today the words were almost right. I hope you understand what I meant.)

  17. Your painting is spectacular.

  18. Why did you delete your post "Ding-Dong: Relapse Calling!"? You should know that nothing is ever truly deleted. Take a look at Google Reader. I still can see each and every one of Kat's beautifully honest words there.

    It is hard to be honest isn't it Kate?

    Honestly, I don't understand why you hijacked your little sister's website name. You could have created your own site. You could have entered this community on your own terms. What are you trying to prove to yourself Kate? I feel like you entered a space created for and by Kat and now you want to control it.

    Isn't that what Ana did to Kat too?

  19. @anonymous- she has said before, she did not take the domain, it was OPEN. She is not trying to prove ANYTHING to us, she is trying to show us that recovery is POSSIBLE though its a pain in the ass.

    @kate- I read post on google reader. I'm not sure why you deleted it, its nothing to be ashamed of. If anything it shows just how strong you are. you were able to take back the situation from Ana and control it again. That is a HUGE step. And if you didn't falter sometimes, I'm not too sure you would actually be in recovery. Once ana is a part of your life, she never leaves, not completely. You daily have to push her thoughts away, its normal. :) I'm really proud of you btw. :)


  20. Thanks Isa,
    You gals have convinced me - I'm putting it back up. Actually, the reason I took it down was that I felt it was written from a very post-recovery stand point, which I know many of the readers here are not ready to hear at this point. However, I absolutely DO want to be honest with you, so I'm putting it back up. :) It will be interesting to hear what people have to say. :)

    Thank you. :)