Saturday, December 26, 2009

Promises, promises.

Dear little Anas.
You are all so beautiful, and I am looking forward to getting to know you better. By now you know that Kat is no longer operating this blog, so I wanted to do the right thing and take a moment to introduce myself.

As you may have picked up on from the flurry of comments, I am Kate, "Kat"'s sister. I have intentionally chosen to use my real name here rather than a pseudonym because I have decided, after a lot of internal debate, to go ahead and be completely honest with you. Yes, I've made my decision and I am going to make my most private inner thoughts vulnerable to you in the same way my sister has. I know a lot of you are angry, frustrated, hurt and confused by what is going on here, so I'm ready to step out and talk.

I welcome your comments - all of them. Your anger, your frustration - your pain, your anxiety, your despair. Life with an ED, as you well know, can be a pretty lonely path. I know because I ate slept and breathed it for so long. It's true, Ana and I are no longer on speaking terms, but boy do I know her well.

For now, I'll be brief, so here is my thought for tonight:

When Ana was my best friend, she made me a lot of promises. Promises that I would be happy. That I would be loved. That I would be beautiful. That I would be worthy... if, if, if... when, when when... Just another 5 lbs, THEN I can be happy. WHEN I am thinner, I will be perfect. IF I was lighter, that thing wouldn't have happened to me or that person wouldn't have hurt me.

Has Ana ever delivered on her promises to you? She never did for me. Don't get me wrong, there were temporary rewards and thrills for meeting a goal weight or refusing that dessert... but at the end of the day, I discovered that the more I gave into her demands, the more ferocious her "appetite" to consume my life became. (Pun intended.)

One day nearly 5 years ago I decided to "break up" with Ana for good.

And I discovered that I couldn't.

This is my story.


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  1. Kate, I want you to know that because of you, today for the first time I seriously entertained the thought of telling someone that I'm bulimic. I don't think I will do it- not yet, anyway, but maybe someday. I think you can be a great help to this community, so thank you for that. You are a stronger and better person than I ever could be.

  2. Ugh. My greatest Thinspiration, Gone.

    This sucks :(

  3. Della! You brought tears to my eyes just now. I have struggled for a long time whether or not to come forward and speak - I know your struggle is long and hard (in your past and everything that is still to come) but I want you to have hope that there IS awesome life after Ana, and you CAN find it.

    Another thought - one that I am sure I will post more about in the future - is that today I can say in all honesty that I am HAPPY with my body. HAPPY with my life. My happiness no longer depends on external forces like how much the other people in the room with me weigh or what number the scale says.

    I, of all people know and respect that you can only recover at your own rate so in the mean time I encourage you to have hope. Keep reading. You're not alone.


  4. I NEED to be skinny. You don't understand how it feels to be the fat one all the time! Besides, I'm just not at a healthy weight right now because by medical standards, i am OBESE!!! Ana is actually BETTER for me than where I've been before.

  5. I'm sorry Mina :'( I really am. Has Ana helped you achieve sustainable weight loss?

  6. Ha.

    I did the "healthy" weight loss thing. Hell, I'll even be honest and say that I went from SERIOUSLY OBESE (hw: 260) to just obese.

    Maybe I've always had a disordered mind, but my "healthy diet" turned in to anorexia and later with tendencies of bulimia.
    Now, I'm STILL fucking in the overweight range for my height.
    Part of me wants to get better, but the other part scoffs because I know if I eat like a "normal girl" I'll go back into obese.

    Kate, I'm just kind of hurt because Kat grew to be a friend. She unintentionally got me to examine my disorder. I was considering recovery.

    now... (I guess I'm just not one for change) but I've never felt so alone. Anorexia is reaching her long claws in my mind.

    Note: I always supported Kat when she was thinking of recovery. NONE of her followers ever wanted her to get "sicker". This was like one big support group that was snatched away in an instant.

  7. same for me Invisible, it starts off as just not eating fast food anymore and turns into taking a piece of apple and only seeing 7 calories or whatever its worth.
    healthy just sounds like fat to me now. i used to think i was healthy and i use to like it.
    besides, society thinks its healthy to gorge itself three times a day and raises an eyebrow at anything less. how do i fight something like that.

  8. I keep rereading this post - and the comments - looking for an answer... because this is precisely what I tell myself everyday.

    I wish it was that easy.

  9. You and Kat both have incredible amounts of strength that I felt I could never have- until now. During this past week or so I have realised that Ana/Mia is not perfection, it's death, and if you can do it, I can do it. Whilst I will miss Kat dearly I know she is doing the right thing and no one ever wanted her to get sicker. It will take time for me to fully recover, but I am willing to work at it because I truly want to leave this terrible thing we call life behind and start living again. Please show these comments to Kat, I'm sure she will be happy to know that she has changed, and maybe saved at least one life.


  10. You know what- make your own fucking blog. This is Kats blog, not yours. You are not Kat, we are following Kat, not her sister.

    Now, get the fuck off her blog, give her blog back, make your own blog and let it be.

    You are not Kat.

  11. I loved reading Kat's blog and I don't mean no disrespect but I wish she was still blogging. I just loved the way she wrote and I'm gonna miss her, I mean I've been reading her for such a long time. But I wish you the best of luck in keeping this blog and on your journey and I will definitely give your blog a chance. It would be unfair for me to just dismiss it

  12. I am glad kat is getting help...but I don't think recovery is for everyone. And by everyone..I mean me.

    I'm not one that can go and break out of this. Ana is me. Ana defines me. Without it...there's nothing left.

  13. So tell me, Kate, what is a person to do? You yourself said that you couldn't break up with Ana. That's where i am. My boyfriend is trying to help me "recover", but, first, i'm not sick, i'm not skinny, so why should i recover, and second, even when i try, Ana consumes my thoughts, my essence, and my very being.
    ...And tell Kat we miss her here.

  14. I was extremely disappointed when I discovered that Kat would no longer be blogging. The anonymous comment above, however, is completely out of line and uncalled for.
    Kate is trying to help us, trying to not let us suffer through what she suffered. There is absolutely no reason to bash her for her beliefs and thoughts and life experiences and choices, no matter how much you disagree with her.

    Some things one must learn on one's own. Girls that are here, blogging about their disorder are (and I say this generally) not looking for recovery. They're looking for support, and that's what this online community is.

    Please let Kat know we're all thinking of her and wishing her the best. Let her know also that she didn't "help" anyone into and ED. Most everyone here knows what they do, and don't plan on changing; and none of that is her fault. Best of luck to you and your sister.

  15. Ana has helped me Kate,
    I feel better than I ever have before

  16. Well, this is a change.
    But it could be good...I'm open for change.

  17. treating your sister like a kid and shutting down a blog doesn't help an anorexic get better. By the way if you are truly recovered then the word is anorexic not *ana*

  18. we even allow kids to feel like they have choices in their lives (food etc)but people want to treat anorexics like they are babies and then wonder why they feel stifled and turn to starvation as a way out? If an individual does not want to get better then treating her like a baby and taking her fundamental freedom away will-in the long term only make her even more attached to anorexia, bulimia or whatever other self-destructive illnesses there are. I don't care to read your blog. I'm happy if Kat wants to get better but shutting down an entire blog only makes me want to go starve some more. Thanks.

  19. I'm so confused. Where are Kat's posts? Please say they aren't gone.

    Also, please do tell her that I hope she does what she wants, whether it's recovery or something else. Is that where she is?

    I'm so out of this loop. I really need some answers.

  20. Kate didn't TAKE the blog. Kat shut it down on her own. She is an adult and can't be forced to do anything.

  21. I'm sad to see the blog go, but to Kate - I do think Ana has something to offer. She's delivered for me anyways. She has given me a 21 lb loss on my body and at least a 65% raise on the self confidence level.
    Yeh - so I'm obviously not a person in recovery, but I was once. I do fall back on Ana... But I am not going to say I have not gotten anything out of it.
    I understand people wanting to help, and I do not wish an ED on anyone. If Kat is into recovery, I wish her the best!- I do not support talking people OUT of wanting recovery...
    But, I can't ignore that Ana does not at least have some rewards.
    It's a tough call, that's why it's a difficult addiction... An addiction of a quest for perfection....

  22. Kate, I look forward to reading!
    I am sad to see Kat go, and I'll often be wondering if she's okay... I hope so.
    Your story sounds intriguing, thanks for taking the time to share it with us. If people don't want to read then they can stop following!
    I'll be here.

  23. Hey all
    if you're waiting around here like me but you're not looking for recovery, I decided to make a blog.
    It's not gunna be great. I'm not Kat right, not even close, but if you want somewhere to go and chat. That's where i'll be <3

  24. Kate, you could have made your own blog!.
    I dont know why you needed to take Kat's blog away. >:/

  25. Just wondering, did Kat know about your ED? She never mentioned it outright, but she did say once she half-suspected you were a "closet EDNOS" if I remember correctly. Did she not share that info because it's personal, or did she really not know?

  26. Why did "Kat" all of a sudden decide to shut it down without any notice? Is she infact recovering or did she just give up the responsibility of running the site?

  27. um... Its fine that you want a blog, but did kat give this one or did you steal it. It seems a lot like you stole it so MAKE YOUR OWN BLOG!!!!! I would like proof that kat is fine with this.

  28. I was also considering recovery-all thanks to Kat but not anymore. I am not going to consider recovery and I certainly don't want to read your blog. I want kat's blog even if she does want to recover (bless her!)

  29. Why couldn't you just get your own blog? You didn't have to delete all of Kats stuff! I used to love reading hers, it was like a book.

  30. People stop bashing on her, I don't think anyone is so stupid to just steal someone elses blog!

    And we all know that ana was destroying kat lately. She was on her way to be happy but ana didn't want to let her go and we all know that kat wanted to recover. She was thinking about it over and over again and she finally took the step.
    It's not my time to recover yet but when I'm I'll think of kat the strength she has.She's a good and beautiful person no matter how skinny she's we've never seen her but all who have followed her blog know she's beautiful from the in side. Eventhough she isn't blogging let's just support her. Ananymous your just selfish you're just thinking about what pleasure it gave you to read kat's blog instead of how life is for kat. I miss her too but this is the best thing for her and I'm truly proud of her.

    I think that kat6 gave her blog to kate to try to help us and I see that kate doesn't understand how we feel because everybody has a different story considering ana but I'm willing to give her a chance she's kat's sister and I think kat gave her this blog for a reason to help us and support us and even though kate is a recovered anorexic I do support her.

    For those who aren't willing to read her blog or are to se;fish to see that kat took the right path for her then just go reading other people's blog and leave kate alone.

    goodluck kate and wish kat the best,
    tell her we still support her please!

  31. Hi anas,
    i appreciate all of your feedback - positive, angry, and everything in between.

    I'll be blogging more about what happened to kat, more about our lives together (there's a reason she's not said much about me in her blog, which i hope to begin address in the next blog post), my life with ana, and some of the thought processes that brought me where i am today: happy, safe, and free from ana's tyranny over my life. That said, I have a unique perspective to share with you since I've been on the inside looking out, and was able to find a path to happiness. I used to get so pissed off at shrinks and people who thought they had the "easy answer." I know a hell of a lot better than that. I know the many different places all of you are in in your own journey, and I therefore have a TREMENDOUS amount of compassion and understanding for the difficulties you endure just in your day to day existence. My hope is that, in time, you can view me as the big sister you never had, and the one I have, in many ways, failed to be for Kat.

    I hope Kat is reading this. She left my house on Christmas eve and we haven't spoken much since then. I love her. I miss her. I'm heartbroken. But I'm a fool in love and I have to see this through.

    And, just to set the record straight for those of you who missed the earlier posts, Kat took down the blog of her own free will - deleted her posts, and all. No one made her do it. I went to her blog and saw the URL was free. I knew I had to tell my story now. You all met Kat in chapter 3. Now I'm going to start with Chapter 1.

    i love you "kat."


  32. I think this whole blog has been a drawn out attention seeking ploy. I now doubt its even an ana who started it. I don't believe that "Pauls" blog was written by a real bloke and I don't believe this whole ...ooppps look now I have a sister who has strangely taken over my blog and has nothing better to do than write long yarns

    Time wasting ana wannabees

  33. this whole blog smells of someone trying to get a book deal
    " i happened to notice the url was free"

  34. I call bullshit. None of this seems to be right. I feel like the wool is being pulled over our eyes.

    Let me get this right. So Kat has an ED and is bad with it. You HAD an ED but are ok now? You think THIS will keep readers following? Will you hurt yourself in the future? Will Kat? I really liked Kat's blog, but this really smells of turkey toots.

  35. Correct. Kat has an ED. I HAD an ED and recovered. I don't know if this will keep readers following, but frankly, I'm writing for anyone out there who wants to hear. I'm writing because I've been reading your blogs and remembering, and I care. A lot. This blog is for anyone who has ever had an eating disorder and wondered, even for a fleeting moment, if there was a way out. Anyone who ever wondered if they even wanted a way out. You might not be there now, but you will someday. I only hope to be an inspiration to you, a comfort now and a hope for the future. I want to be, as I said in my bio, the big sister i have, in many ways, failed to be for kat.

    But only if you want to read. Perhaps we won't meet again for a few years, but I'll be here. I feel there is a distinct voice missing from these blogs. And, while it's a bit like being a recovering alcoholic sitting in a bar, I want you all to know that there is life after ana, if you choose to fight for it.


  36. I just read all your post. The tears kept streaming down my face, and all I can think about to say to you now, is thank you. Thank you so much for doing this Kate.