You are all so beautiful, and I am looking forward to getting to know you better. By now you know that Kat is no longer operating this blog, so I wanted to do the right thing and take a moment to introduce myself.
As you may have picked up on from the flurry of comments, I am Kate, "Kat"'s sister. I have intentionally chosen to use my real name here rather than a pseudonym because I have decided, after a lot of internal debate, to go ahead and be completely honest with you. Yes, I've made my decision and I am going to make my most private inner thoughts vulnerable to you in the same way my sister has. I know a lot of you are angry, frustrated, hurt and confused by what is going on here, so I'm ready to step out and talk.
I welcome your comments - all of them. Your anger, your frustration - your pain, your anxiety, your despair. Life with an ED, as you well know, can be a pretty lonely path. I know because I ate slept and breathed it for so long. It's true, Ana and I are no longer on speaking terms, but boy do I know her well.
For now, I'll be brief, so here is my thought for tonight:
When Ana was my best friend, she made me a lot of promises. Promises that I would be happy. That I would be loved. That I would be beautiful. That I would be worthy... if, if, if... when, when when... Just another 5 lbs, THEN I can be happy. WHEN I am thinner, I will be perfect. IF I was lighter, that thing wouldn't have happened to me or that person wouldn't have hurt me.
Has Ana ever delivered on her promises to you? She never did for me. Don't get me wrong, there were temporary rewards and thrills for meeting a goal weight or refusing that dessert... but at the end of the day, I discovered that the more I gave into her demands, the more ferocious her "appetite" to consume my life became. (Pun intended.)
One day nearly 5 years ago I decided to "break up" with Ana for good.
And I discovered that I couldn't.
This is my story.
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